When I sent my book in to be edited, the comment from the editor was, "she thought I should have had more introspection in the book." I thought I had put some in the book, but maybe not enough.
Introspection for me, seems to be an invasion of your personal thoughts. I will try to put some of the things I've been feeling since I started this senior dating saga. I don't know if it will be cathartic or just something that I should put down. I did put enough personal things in the book that perhaps I should have kept to myself. It isn't an easy thing to put down some of the things that transpired with the various men. I added things and didn't put things down I could have written.
After almost a year of seeing many men and being contacted by literally thousands on the three sites I am on, I find that I'm no closer to finding someone then I was a year ago. I truly feel like I've been spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. My originally idea was to find someone to go out with on a fairly regular basis. That hasn't happened for me. I've met men that would be happy to be with me, but I have no interest in them. There is always something lacking, mostly in me finding a connection with them. This whole journey has not been fun and games. Sometimes it is pleasant and most of the time it isn't.
I suppose I should say that the only man I have a mental and physical connection with is MP and that is going nowhere. Besides the age difference, the distance and his complicated life, plus who he is and maybe a little of who I am, I know it is just a connection that is casual. Monogamy isn't in his vocabulary and probably not in mine either. I don't know it I want a permanent relationship, but it would be nice to have someone around that is available more then once in six weeks, and then for only hours. As I said before, 95% of me wants him around and 5% wants to kick him to the curb. I really don't know how he feels about me, except for liking me. I know he dislikes needy.
I have a very full life compared to most people my age but for some reason find myself being Margaret O'Brien when I'm alone, contrary to popular belief I'm alone a lot, if you remember, Margaret could cry at the drop of a hat. That's me a lot of the time. I don't know if I'm feeling sorry for myself or just still trying to find my footing after my husband died last year and wishing things could have been different between us at the end of his life. It did not end well. I still carry resentment against some of the things he did prior to his dieing. This is totally counter productive and I know it. I just can't seem to stop the thoughts.
There are times that I wish I had never met MP as I have a tendency to compare the feelings I have for him with the other men I meet. I know most of the feelings are lust not love, but we also have a great time together, and as I have said before, " we are matched opposites," not to mention that we look good together. There is nowhere to go with him and maybe that is how I want it to be. My friends don't think so, but then they really don't know me.
It scares me to think I might get hooked up with another man and either have to take care of him or get disappointed again. If I stacked MP up against the men I've met he is smarter, more savvy, has a better personality then all of them put together. The bad side of the coin is he is self serving, really only cares about his life, is never there when you really need him, isn't dependable and just gives you lip service to shut you up, but doesn't come through on what he promises. I'm aware of all of the good and bad and as long as I want to put up with it, then so be it.
I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life, however long that may be. If I knew that I would eventually be semi happy (the only totally happy are the winky) I do know that a man shouldn't define you and only you can make yourself happy. I just have to find what makes me the happiest at this stage of my life. So far I haven't been able to do that.
One would think that with all the attention I receive from men and women alike, I'd be thrilled to be who I am. I just find myself seemingly going down the rabbit hole and not knowing how to stop myself. Nothing is perfect and I know that. All the things you go through and you put yourself through in ten or twenty years when your gone doesn't mean anything to anyone, most of all you. I do believe it is live every day for the day but sometimes when your sad and really don't know why your sad, it is hard to do.
So now that I've bored everyone to death with being semi introspective I'll sign off. Sometimes I feel alright, sometimes lonely and lost, but I will conquer these negative feelings. I guess I just need time and a new mental attitude. I will prevail. That's what I do.
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